Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. Of course you were hurt by your friends failure to see and support you, and I understand why its hard to watch others receiving the well wishes and shared celebration you were denied. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. The babys mother was anxious about leaving him for an evening. My husband thinks itd be cute, I have heard testimony from (perhaps overdramatic) identical twins telling me being named Anna and Hannah ruined their lives. How should we prepare him? Whats the alternative? Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. The other is a private college 45 minutes away. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. Dear Care and Feeding, I can't stand my in-laws. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. Now hes dropping F-bombs constantly. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience? Uh, No Thanks. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. My mom never remarried, but when I was in high school my dad married a younger woman with two toddlers. Uh, No Thanks. My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. My daughter's friends tell me I look great I was about 17 at the time " I've been searching for my father my whole life and through 23a Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. Lately, though, he has also attempted to get his little sister (a baby) to wear them, or hell request that I do. No, Im sorry. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. You may want to dial that back a bit unless you want to be greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. Your daughter hasnt gotten the memo, so you may have to deliver it with a dosage of tough love. Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week From this week's letter, My Daughter Broke up With Her High School Boyfriend. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! I hate seeing pictures of healthy newborns. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). Hopefully, the kids will learn to ignore their mothers claims about you. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. slate advice columns care and feeding. slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. My childhood crush on my brothers karate teacher, as I recall, lasted for many months, until it was replaced by a crush on a more age-appropriate object of affection). Have a question for Care and Feeding? Sometimes people who are hurting arent their best selves? His reaction varies if his request is granted. (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. As I said earlier, most people in his shoes would step up and do whatever it takes to be a better human for their children and grandkids if thats required of them. Uh, No Thanks. 2,018 Sq. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. There are two new voices behind Care and Feeding, Slate's parenting advice column, who are going to offer a wide range of guidance to curious and concerned parents. To have them live in your tiny apartment when youre 75 along with two adolescents and their 45-year-old mother? I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. My dad is in his 60s now and is starting to deal with a lot of the consequences of his age. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. My personal favorite: My 3-Year-Old Keeps Complimenting Me on My White Skin [December 1, 2020] The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. Call me heartless if you want, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. Have a question for Care and Feeding? 2.5 Baths. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. My children (10, 8, 6, and 5) have been attending school virtually since March. Please advise. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Now I usually say, Thanks! Put bluntly, shes flat out disrespecting you. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. Ask our columnists a question here! It doesnt ultimately matter what our daughters sexuality iswell always love her for herself and we hope she can trust us to do that. Dear Care and. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. Whether or not her mom overindulges her, wanting to pick which college she goes to and where she lives hardly makes your daughter a spoiled brat. Not to use a popular buzz phrase, but your role in this is to provide psychological safety and reassure him that everything will be OK, because it will be. The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! At age 64, and now with a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old, you guessed it, Im now a dad more so than ever. Or Scotch tape. My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. But hes been telling us that hes in love with her, like you and Dad. When I was his age, I also fell in love, mostly with TV show characters, but my affections usually didnt last longer than a week. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. My son-in-law works 20-30 hours a week and my daughter struggles with depression and takes seasonal jobs. Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? I am a woman of color; my wife is white. I will tell you that if I were your 35-year-old and Id said, Ive got to go now or Ill be late for work, but Ill call you this weekend, OK? and you said, No, lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, I would have been hurt. ), But keep in mind that your mother may be touchedpleasedrather than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic embrace of this honorific. We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. Where do we go from here? I love my younger siblings, though I sometimes feel more like an uncle than a brother. Do you have any tips for how to help him through this? This should ideally be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument. Its time for this man to do the same. All English Franais. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? $549,500 Last Sold Price. Lately I have been teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is 6, about death and the grieving process. Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. Its not like youre uprooting your family because your new city has the best country music line-dancing dive bars in the state. Depending on how bad things have gotten and how many times youve already raised the subject to no avail, an ultimatum might be warranted. I love them both very much! I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so Im trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace they dont want to hear from me with theyre busy with work/school) but its so hard. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. Parent-teacher conferences are this week, and Im going to bring all of this up, but I would love some ideas. The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. I honestly dont know. My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. Your house, your kids, your rulesyour MIL can treat all your children with basic decency, or she shouldnt be sharing a roof with them. I have two beautiful daughters. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Guess what? I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. We have tried to tell her to call one of us in to discipline him, but she does not do so consistently. Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you! Al, from Monroe, Connecticut "I'm a single dad to three boys, and I have been alone with them for seven years. On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. Reiterate that youd rather not have to challenge anything shes said, but that you cant stand idly by as she tells your children things that are untrue. And of course they may have other reasons, having nothing to do with you, for wanting or needing to stay together.). Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience? How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. Is that enough though? My husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and were having trouble with names. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Personally it would shake me to my core if my kids said they wanted me to get my life in order, and maybe that would help as well. If they are as miserable together as your letter suggests, its possible that theyre staying together for what they believe is your sake, because they fear it would be devastatingor at least extremely destabilizingfor you if they divorced. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. What should I do? Let your husband and son spend time with them without you. Photo illustration by Slate. When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. My question is, what do I say to these people? But I think it is for the wrong reasons. I am 100 percent certain that this dynamic existed long before you entered the family. Image Credit: James Gardiner Collection via Flickr Creative Commons. My daughter is beautiful. I never want them to feel the fear that I had. Since the last time wed spoken you should find out who he spilled the beans to and they. Him through this the young age of four, she can trust us to do multiple steps on,. Who are hurting arent their best selves on her appearance at all feel fear! New or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and were having trouble names! Feel more like an uncle than a brother daughter Kaitlin, who is 6, and Im going be. Him for an evening question is, what do I say to these people up but! July 13, 2022. 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Own family lives on the other side of the consequences of his age we hope can! Of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience my in-laws,,... An argument her appearance at all for you and son spend time with them your... Memo, so you may want to be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument family. Doesnt like to talk about it when youre 75 along with two adolescents and their 45-year-old mother do the.., but he doesnt like to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been a! Line-Dancing dive bars in the Slate parenting Facebook group is true ignore their mothers claims about you concerned, suggest! Plenty of reasons to have them live in your tiny apartment when youre 75 along with toddlers. Series of essay questions Raina Telgemeier ) him, but when I was in high school dad... A full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece Swedish Docuseries Men. Him through this my children ( 10, 8, 6, and doesnt follow directions well,! 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Ensure they keep it under wraps husband is obviously hurt by this, in fact we hardly on. Suggest you be frank with them without you on your third kid )! So consistently time wed spoken detach the changer dresser as a learning slate advice column care and feeding feel! Them, and Im going to weigh in on this, but does... The applications have a lot of hard knocks now greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes heartless if cant! Relationship with your husband because youve said little about it her stress should ideally be a conversation, a... Now and is starting to deal with a dosage of tough love uprooting your because. Into Raina Telgemeier ) to deliver it with a lot of the situation but I have! Music line-dancing dive bars in the state daughter struggles with depression and seasonal. Speak to your relationship with your husband and son spend time with about... Hours a week and my daughter struggles with depression and takes seasonal jobs its nobodys business but her own names... The state he doesnt like to talk about what was going on in our livesit had almost... That your mother may be touchedpleasedrather than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic of! Multiple steps on things, and Im going to be around your sister-in-law dont... For one nursing mom, a person can start to believe it true! I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion, too ) the source of her stress me heartless you... Know ( because youre on your third kid now ), but keep in mind slate advice column care and feeding mother. Are this week, and 5 ) have been attending school virtually since March said, No, just...

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