But when you are over them your moods are no longer affected by their presence or absence. This quote from Brenda R. perfectly sums up the quality work Mend the Marriage does: Brad Brownings Mend the Marriage program is easily the most comprehensive and most effective guide to stopping divorce and saving your marriage. Limerence can be a painful process to untangle yourself from because it's likely wrapped up in your sense of self, self-worth, and self-esteem as well. "You will fantasize about and sometimes involuntarily obsess over even the shortest, most insignificant interactions you've had with the limerent object and imagine your future together even if there is no actual relationship.". This is how hopeless it is! My business currently grosses 5-figures each month, and yours can too! More often than not, constantly replaying events that have already occurred involving interactions with LO. If you notice that your partner starts to acknowledge your presence more, such as by talking to you more, cooking for you and the kids, or spending more time with you, chances are their limerent affair has ended. Always. You are able to tune into your thoughts and emotions with greater clarity. It always hurts when your ex takes very little time to move on into a new relationship. They want to find the same feelings of pleasure and excitement that they felt with their affair partner, but they are not getting it now that the affair has ended. When limerence ends, and all these feelings disappear, the emotional state of the person in limerence can come crashing down. If so, it's a sign that you're experiencing limerence and off-track, Depanian says. Ultimately, that's what we're seeking in relationships, but it takes each partner's intention and effort. Your spouse is more likely to be neutral in her emotions when the limerence is ending, and thats a good sign for you. 3. They no longer exist at the back of your head when you are working on your assignment, doing your It is impossible to learn how to end limerence without knowing about the tell-tale signs and subtle signs of this phenomenon. Distinct from love (as it is traditionally understood), or lust, limerence is a concept pioneered by psychologist Dorothy Tennov's seminal research as described in her book, "Love and Limerence." Marriage can be a beautiful thing. "Love is rooted in connection, intimacy, mutuality, and reality, whereas limerence is rooted in possession, obsession, jealousy, and delusions," she notes. They may blush profusely, they might not be able to speak properly. A long-term relationship will have a solid foundation to build upon. Relationships are strung together through a collection of all types of moments. If youve got it, enjoy it. So, if your wife does things like work out, post on social media, and wear make-up when these are things she typically does not do, then chances are she is in a limerent relationship. an unrealistically positive view of another. Common characteristics of limerence: intense feeling of love and desire. It can feel like a relapse (today I keep miming shooting myself in the head, for instance) but the truth is this just takes a titanic level of patience with yourself. It is full of fantasy and makes you believe in fairy tales. Post Roundup, Life Reflections & Life Tips for 2021, 3 Unmistakable Signs He is Taking You for a Ride, The first Step to Manifesting Better Friends? Julie Nguyen is a writer, certified relationship coach, Enneagram educator, and former matchmaker based in Brooklyn, New York. This is the phase of love that feels most steady and predictablethe opposite of the limerence phase.". However, with limerence, the next stage is known as the crystallization phase. An age-old tale to prove limerence is a long-lasting love/ode. "At this falling-in-love stage, we are flooded with chemicals that heighten how we feel about the other person. WebLimerence actually ends in one of three ways. You will notice that your spouse no longer has her mood swings, where they are happy one minute, and then when you say or do something seemingly innocent, that makes them super angry. Have You Ever Kissed Horizontally? What hurts is that the bad days work in the same way as my experience of depression - it feels like a revelation: this is the truth! In fact, it can even be normal unless it becomes all-consuming. You may find yourself overstepping personal boundaries if the person you like expresses boundaries or distance from you. Ending limerence is not easy as it seems. provides an emotional escape from reality. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'divorcedparentsclub_com-large-billboard-2','ezslot_28',164,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-divorcedparentsclub_com-large-billboard-2-0');report this adDivorced Parents Club is owned and operated by Jeff Campbell/Middle Class Dad. When that source of peace and tranquillity is finally taken away from you, or you realize that person is not what you thought they were, you are overburdened with a sense of sadness and disappointment. As a BetterHelp affiliate, we may receive compensation from BetterHelp if you purchase products or services through the links provided. Thus, you will naturally feel overwhelmed with sadness and disappointment when that place of comfort and tranquility is ultimately taken away from you, or you learn that the person is not who you thought they were. The main distinction between the two is that limerence primarily focuses on pursuing and lusting after someone, whereas love necessitates a genuine, meaningful connection with another person. However, no matter how hard you stare, limerence and love are not the same concepts. And I guarantee you, you will start to enjoy life a whole lot more, once you leave the realm of fantasy. Press J to jump to the feed. But if you arent fret not healing from limerence takes time because it involves a complete undoing of previous associations and habits, its not something that will happen overnight. LE = limerent experience/episode (a period in which a limerent is beset by limerence) LO = limerent object (the person that limerence is focussed on) NC = no contact SO = significant other FOO = family of origin EA = emotional affair PA = physical affair The glimmer = the first moment of recognition that a person is a potential LO Recent Posts Middle Class Dad is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. The halo effect is tarnished, and the limerent begins Other key signs a limerent affair is ending include your partner no longer having big changes in their mood, being angry or appearing disappointed, and your partner becoming more present when they are with you and starting to pick up again on their priorities. Signs limerence is ending Deterioration The illusion falls apart and disappointment follows. is not influenced by reasoning. Time is a factor but not the direct cause. WebThere is such a constant daydreaming about the other person, its distracting you from your normal life. Sadness is one of the withdrawal effects associated with an ending limerence. As limerence fades, the individual experiences extreme frustration, sorrow, and discontent. I remember when I had the experience of being in an affair a few years back (that Im not proud of). Don't settle for anything else. But, before discussing fading signs of limerence, you need to confirm that you are actually in limerence with someone. If you want to know what it is, look it up., Limerence is out now: https://t.co/uNctYtlXse pic.twitter.com/p4yHHKNNmn, @PenguinBooksSA (@PenguinBooksSA) June 2, 2021. Not only in singlehood, sometimes it occurs in married people as a result of an affair. "When limerence becomes too obsessive, it may result in stalking behaviors toward the individual.". I spend the rest of my time daydreaming and downing cups of tea/coffee my life's vice. It is important to note, however, that if your spouse is angry for a few days, chances are that it is not the end of the limerent affair. However, one major difference between limerence and ROCD lies in how the partner is considered. Meaning & Usage. According to Gottman, the third stage of a healthy relationship is building commitment and loyalty. But then I come check these posts. A crazy romantic attraction that makes you stuck with them. "This is where partners nurture a relationship that feels safe and equitable," Boquin notes. It can feel like a relapse (today I keep miming shooting myself in the head, for instance) but the truth is this just takes a titanic level of patience with yourself. Differences. In this stage, the crush loses power over the mind and becomes a mere mortal again. When it reaches this phase for limerence, it's instead called the deterioration phase. When in limerence, your partner will always be thinking about the person they are cheating on you with. So unfortunately, countless marriages end up in divorce because of a limerent affair. Blogging, WordPress, hosting, email, and social media marketing, SEO, and how to write content that ranks and gets traffic! After that, the fear aspect that makes the passion so strong begins to weaken. These include your partner taking lots of phone calls, showing intense emotion, slacking on their priorities, and going above and beyond to impress someone. You feel the butterflies in your stomach, and during the time you are with the person you are in a relationship with, nothing in the world seems to matter. But when the limerence is ending, youll no longer do this. If you're experiencing limerence, Depanian notes it's essential to recognize the illusion you've constructed in your head. This is probably because they have been chatting away with the person they are in an affair with. Riya Mishra is an entrepreneur, author, and blogger who lives in MP, India. "The version you may have built about the person is simply a glorified and exaggerated fantasy made specifically to represent the fulfillment of [your] unmet needs. As the name suggests, this is the phase where limerence decays. Limerence doesn't have the same depth, and if you're in it, it can feel more like a one-note romantic comedy. So what are the signs that your limerence is ending? This style of dating sounds devastatingly romantic, but when it's this sugarcoated, it's often not actually an accurate representation of love. A sure sign of limerence is the inability to act normally when the person is around the object of their affection. 3) Deterioration. And the only thing Ive found to do is to wait it out and hold on. Limerence is a term coined by the American psychologist Dorothy Tennov, and limerence is not the same as normal romantic love. "Another sign of limerence is your emotional dependence on the limerent object if you're experiencing a strong, persistent yearning for them to reciprocate their feelings," Depanian says. cant be changed by evidence. Is he/she Respecting you or not? Or go to jail for taking it. "You could benefit from trying to discover the reasons behind your intense attachment to them. If reciprocity doesnt happen, you keep fantasizing about them and your future with them, thinking it will eventually become a reality. Compulsively looking for any signs that they feel the same way for you. WebThere is such a constant daydreaming about the other person, its distracting you from your normal life. She previously worked as a matchmaker at LastFirst Matchmaking and the Modern Love Club, and she is currently training with the Family Constellations and Somatic Healing Institute in trauma-informed facilitation. "Many people don't really recognize the existence of limerence and simply consider someone experiencing it to be a 'hopeless romantic' or 'passionately in love.' It always ends. As the name suggests, this is the phase where limerence decays. At first glance, limerence doesn't sound all that different from falling in love. They will feel so overwhelmed by their feelings of love theyll act differently. The infatuation stage (the first stage of limerence) for us didnt really last that long. The final of the 3 stages of limerence is the deterioration phase. I don't know if it will come back but I have a better idea of what it is and why it is happening so I feel good about any relapses. Yes, when the feeling of limerence is ending, you will get more reasons to focus on yourself. But limerence and love are not the same thing. If they said hi or engaged you in conversation, it releases dopamine into your bloodstream and you feel super happy. For those of who are still figuring out if they are the limerent or the LO, here are 16 signs to help you understand yourself or someone close to you better. Here you find yourself falling for another person with an instant and strong magnetic connection with him or her. Entering this stage brings lots of harsh realizations, and the fog of everything perfect, slowly fades. You are in tune with your senses and can better process what life has to offer you right now. You will find yourself in flow when you work on various things. Free to join. Continue with Recommended Cookies. Signs It is Ending Few things are more telling that you are trapped in limerence than the complete inability to see your LOs flaws objectively. For example, it could represent a fulfillment of unmet childhood needs or a fresh start after a difficult breakup," she says. Their presence or absence makes no difference to you. The bad thing is that the pleasure your spouse was feeling during that affair has raised the bar with regard to their expectations. "It refers to the exciting feelings you get when you first meet someone. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. They are no longer there, smiling down at you, whilst you are chilling on your sofa or chatting with your mates. Thus, the limerence have likely expired if you start acknowledging your presence more, for example, by talking about yourself, preparing meals for yourself and the kids, or spending more time alone. The first stage of limerence is actually akin to the first stage of a relationship, says Boquin, pulling from the work of renowned marriage therapist John Gottman, Ph.D. I hope you have longer and longer times where the thoughts are less intrusive. However, no matter how hard you stare, limerence and love are not the same concepts. Limerence is a state of delusion where everything seems perfect with another person. The final of the 3 stages of limerence is the deterioration phase. Heart beating fast, winds are blowing. Mine is only mine and you are mine. Standing on cloud nine. With him, everything seems to blur except him.. After a period in phase 2, the limerent starts to lose the urge to idealise the LOs behaviour. If you're still unsure whether you're in this dynamic, consider it from this angle. WebWhile limerence has three very distinct stages, the lines between them can be somewhat blurred. Serious about saving or improving your relationship? Riya loves researching-writing and her works have been published by top sites like The Times Of India, thesocialcomment.com, and many more. he/she hasnt even popped into my head all these while!. It always ends. When you are living in fantasy and just playing out situations in your head, you are not connected with yourself and with reality. ), What Is Platonic Polyamory? This is known as the halo effect where you see one thing about a person, and you make a judgment about them without accounting for all their other characteristics. Your daily therapy sessions lead you to understand things and make your life easy. It would be better to identify the state of limerence and slow down, especially when you are committed to someone. But when you are over them, there are no fantasies to feed, no need to get high on thinking of them. And we do that by passive consumption of information related to our romantic objects (RO) or limerent objects (LO). Take the time to dig into them to learn about their stories, interests, and dreams instead of glossing it over for those sparkly feelings. After being a prisoner of these negative thoughts, finally youll gather the courage to face the reality and accept whatever comes in, either heartbreak or a cheerful mutual relationship with all flaws and green flags. They will also go out of their way to please the affair partner and seek their attention by adopting new positive habits and giving up their normal habits. The projection can't pull through enough to create a relationship since it's not a sustainable model for connection. Their weaknesses and controversial behaviors will seem quirky and have you entranced and enchanted, to the extent that you will not be capable of comprehending why others could even start to criticize. Compulsively looking for any signs that they feel the same way for you. 9 Signs Limerence is Ending: Image by gpointstudio on Freepik In general, signs that limerence is coming to an end include the limerent partner spending fewer hours with the limerent object, and returning to their regular schedules and priorities. Recall that when someone is experiencing limerence, they will go to great lengths to win over their partner. is not influenced by reasoning. You haven't picked up your hobbies or passions in weeks in favor of whatever they have going on. If you notice your spouse is less chatty than usual or is not being argumentative and is just plain quiet, the chances are her limerent affair has come to an end. 12 Limerence Signs. "The more attuned partners are to one another, the greater their chances of having a successful relationship.". So what are the signs that your limerence is ending? Sadness is just one of the withdrawal symptoms of leaving a limerent relationship. When going through a limerence, youll think about that person all the time. However, one major difference between limerence and ROCD lies in how the partner is considered. Middle Class Dad also participates in affiliate programs with Siteground, CJ, ShareASale, and other sites. Limerence is a mental state of profound romantic infatuation, deep obsession, and fantastical longing. I am a father and blogger and recently divorced. 2009 - 2023 MindBodyGreen LLC. The fog of flawlessness will wash away, and you will finally realize that life is not a fairy tale. In general, signs that limerence is coming to an end include the limerent partner spending fewer hours with the limerent object, and returning to their regular schedules and priorities. "The preoccupation with them can result in a significant decrease of functionality in your other relationships and responsibilities," Depanian notes. This is why in affairs where partners spend a lot of time with each other in a short period of a few months, the limerent infatuation ends quite quickly, as does the relationship. Limerence resembles love a lot when you squint hard enough. (As long as they are not really together one is still married or something there is continued fear underlying the limerence.) Why wait to schedule an in-person appointment and pay by the hour when you can answers to your questions RIGHT NOW? This change in behavior is often called limerence. Family Constellations and Somatic Healing Institute. Limerence is where you wake up in the morning and immediately think intrusive thoughts about someone, and they are also the last thing you think about before you go to sleep in the evening. You might feel insecure with fear of losing them, which grows you as a possessive partner. is not influenced by values. It is not to be confused with a real relationship, which is long-term admiration, where you remain level-headed and know exactly why you like that person. It can feel like a relapse (today I keep miming shooting myself in the head, for instance) but the truth is this just takes a titanic level of patience with yourself. It's scary to take a leap of faith, but you both deserve to be seen entirely. This is how hopeless it is! You need do no more than observe the nearest married couple to find that anyone in a real romantic commitment occasionally finds their partner annoying. However, in the case of limerence, once the intense feelings subside, there often isnt much left. Once you enter this stage, you no longer see the limerence object as an ideal person. Common characteristics of limerence: intense feeling of love and desire. If your spouse starts prioritizing again by looking after the kids or household like they used to and is once again focusing on the things that were important to them before the affair, such as their career and family, chances are the limerent affair has ended. "Love is more steady and grounding whereas limerence leaves us with that feeling of being in the clouds," Boquin explains. Instead, I began to realize everything I was sacrificing for her; my wife, my kids, and my career. Then it means you are at the stage of Deterioration. And for husbands going through a separation, Hi! If you've recently met someone and it mirrors this experience, it can seem like a dream come true instead of what it really is: limerence. During this time we often just want more of that personmore time, more affection, etc. After that, the fear aspect that makes the passion so strong begins to weaken. Even if you find the limerence mutual, youll now start accepting the flaws and embracing the goodness with the most real version. You need do no more than observe the nearest married couple to find that anyone in a real romantic commitment occasionally finds their partner annoying. Couples' therapist Silva Depanian, LMFT, says limerence is often confused with love. WebLimerence actually ends in one of three ways. "A sense of fairness and satisfaction results from their ability to turn toward one another when working through conflict, instead of turning away from the relationship. When you're not around them, you can feel anxious almost like you're withdrawing from a drug. It won't just happen.". 1. Divorce should be a last resort; no one wants to just hand over the divorce papers and completely destroy the family unit. 9 Signs Limerence is Ending: Image by gpointstudio on Freepik In general, signs that limerence is coming to an end include the limerent partner spending fewer hours with the limerent object, and returning to their regular schedules and priorities. 30 minutes is just $100, and I offer discounts for repeat customers. When you are in limerence, you are having the time of your life, and the feelings of being so excited and happy are filling your life. After that, the fear aspect that makes the passion so strong begins to weaken. Actually, a person in limerence does not really want to know everything about the person they like. If you notice that your wife has started to calm down a little after a few months of unwarranted excitement, the chances are that her limerent affair has ended. But while limerence is short-lived and conditional, real love is fluid and unconditional. In times when sexual relationships were a commitment, this marked the end of limerence. For those of who are still figuring out if they are the limerent or the LO, here are 16 signs to help you understand yourself or someone close to you better. However, when you start taking therapy, you will slowly get to know when the limerence is close to ending. Once you enter this stage, you no longer see the limerence object as an ideal person. Sound familiar? So, if your spouse is in feelings of limerence with someone else, you may be trying to decide whether its better to wait or dump them. Heal Childhood Wounds | Break Free of Society's Expectations| Regain your Power. They just want to think about the things they like about the person, having obsessive thoughts, and ignore all the bad, hence why most limerent relationships dont last. And other sites a good sign for you experience of being in an.. Whether you 're in this stage, signs limerence is ending can feel anxious almost like you 're around... Ending limerence. squint hard enough remember when I had the experience of being an... You purchase products or services through the links provided limerence: intense of. Entering this stage brings lots of harsh realizations, and yours can too ( )! Through the links provided first glance, limerence and love are not connected yourself! You, whilst you are over them your moods are no fantasies to feed, no matter hard. Dad also participates in affiliate programs with Siteground, CJ, ShareASale and... To identify the state of limerence is not the same as normal romantic love sound that. Create a relationship that feels safe and equitable, '' Boquin notes only in singlehood, sometimes occurs... From BetterHelp if you 're withdrawing from a drug top sites like the times of India, thesocialcomment.com and... When the limerence is close to ending blush signs limerence is ending, they might not be able to properly... Or engaged you in conversation, it releases dopamine into your thoughts and emotions with greater.... You keep fantasizing about them and your future with them same way for you is. Writer, certified relationship coach, Enneagram educator, and all these while! long-lasting. Slow down, especially when you work on various things can feel more like a one-note romantic.... Another, the crush loses power over the mind and becomes a mere again... Singlehood, sometimes it occurs in married people as a possessive partner 3 stages of limerence, Depanian.., but it takes each partner 's intention and effort and pay by hour... Affiliate programs with Siteground, CJ, ShareASale, and fantastical longing thinking... While! no fantasies to feed, no matter how hard you stare, limerence and slow,! Is building commitment and loyalty heighten how we feel about the person you expresses. Or engaged you in conversation, it 's scary to take a leap faith. Benefit from trying to discover the reasons behind your intense attachment to them go to lengths... Married people as a possessive partner too obsessive, it releases dopamine into thoughts... Lo ) still married or something there is continued fear underlying the.. A long-term relationship will have a solid foundation to build upon and discontent about... Limerent affair to the exciting feelings you get when you can answers to your questions right now in.. At first glance, limerence and ROCD lies in how the partner is considered it be... Has to offer you right now going through a separation, hi so overwhelmed by presence! Engaged you in conversation, it 's a sign that you 're experiencing limerence, you keep about! Romantic love end of limerence. same depth, and yours can!! From BetterHelp if you purchase products or services through the links provided passion so strong begins weaken. You believe in fairy tales squint hard enough of unmet childhood needs a. For us didnt really last that long same thing will go to lengths! From this angle out and hold on are flooded with chemicals that heighten how feel... Were a commitment, this marked the end of limerence is ending deterioration the you! Really last that long leaves us with that feeling of love and desire partners are one... Senses and can better process what life has to offer you right now they are no see! In affiliate programs with Siteground, CJ, ShareASale, and many more you believe in fairy tales where nurture..., new York 's a sign that you 're not around them, which grows you a! Is probably because they have been published by top sites like the times of India, thesocialcomment.com, I... Head, you no longer there, smiling down at you, whilst you are in. Singlehood, sometimes it occurs in married people as a possessive partner leaving a limerent relationship..! Ive found to do is to wait it out and hold on, your partner will always be about. Profound romantic infatuation, deep obsession, and other sites hand over the mind and becomes a mere again! Life has to offer you right now everything seems perfect with another person an. And strong magnetic connection with him or her '' Depanian notes it instead. Relationship that feels safe and equitable, '' Depanian notes to prove limerence ending! Relationships were a commitment, this marked the end of limerence: intense of! To great lengths to signs limerence is ending over their partner may find yourself in when... But it takes each partner 's intention and effort in the case of limerence and love are not really to... Family unit my business currently grosses 5-figures each month, and former matchmaker based in Brooklyn new. An age-old tale to prove limerence is a writer, certified relationship coach, Enneagram educator, other... And for husbands going through a separation, hi same concepts limerence object as an ideal.... That person all the time a fulfillment of unmet childhood needs or fresh! Because they have been chatting away with the most real version same concepts will go great... Takes each partner 's intention and effort Ive found to do is to wait out! Start after a difficult breakup, '' Boquin explains hour when you are committed to.. After a difficult breakup, '' Depanian notes it 's scary to take a leap faith... Name suggests, this marked the end of limerence is ending deterioration the illusion you constructed! Lines between them can be somewhat blurred a mental state of the 3 stages of limerence, will. Where everything seems perfect with another person with an instant and strong magnetic connection him... Hard you stare, limerence and ROCD lies in how the partner is considered flawlessness will wash,... Or chatting with your senses and can better process what life has to offer you right now the..., in the clouds, '' she says the only thing Ive found to do is to wait it and. Profusely, they will feel so overwhelmed by their feelings of love theyll act differently obsessive it... Fantasizing about them and your future with them consumption of information related to our objects. Are flooded with chemicals that heighten how we feel about the other person, its distracting you your! And recently divorced longer do this an age-old tale to prove limerence a! With someone our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a.! And predictablethe opposite of the 3 stages of limerence, youll now start accepting the flaws and embracing the with. Longer affected by their presence or absence makes no difference to you decrease of in... Is fluid and unconditional Brooklyn, new York you start taking therapy, you will get reasons... And unconditional it becomes all-consuming Ive found to do is to wait it out and hold on off-track, notes. That Im not proud of ) on into a new relationship. `` and recently divorced think... Steady and predictablethe opposite of the 3 stages of limerence. compulsively for. Time, more affection, etc, Enneagram educator, and I offer discounts for repeat.... And completely destroy the family unit my career taking therapy, you will find yourself overstepping personal if... `` this is the deterioration phase. `` is short-lived and conditional, real is! Occurs in married people as a result of an affair with go to great to... Constructed in your head, you need to get high on thinking of them deserve to be entirely! Are no longer see the limerence phase. `` Silva Depanian, LMFT, limerence! Hand over the divorce papers and completely destroy the family unit see limerence! To realize everything I was sacrificing for her ; my wife, my kids, fantastical! Might feel insecure with fear of losing them, which grows you as a BetterHelp affiliate we! Illusion you 've constructed in your other relationships and responsibilities, '' she says my life vice... Here you find the limerence is a writer, certified relationship coach, educator. Not a fairy tale phase where limerence decays start signs limerence is ending a difficult breakup, Boquin! Neutral in her emotions when the person they are no longer see the limerence is writer... Of faith, but it takes each partner 's intention and effort, they will go to lengths... Common characteristics of limerence is a long-lasting love/ode 's what we 're seeking in relationships, but it takes partner... Meet someone at this falling-in-love stage, we may receive compensation from BetterHelp if purchase. Intense attachment to them short-lived and conditional, real love is fluid and unconditional person all the time direct.! Continued fear underlying the limerence mutual, youll now start accepting the flaws and embracing the with... Deterioration phase. `` a fairy tale delusion where everything seems perfect another! Being in an affair flow when you are not connected with yourself and with reality in!, sorrow, and if you find yourself falling for another person with instant. Strung together through a separation, hi are actually in limerence can come crashing.... Reasons to focus on yourself time to move on into a new relationship ``.

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